Relationship success hinges on the universal process of accepting our separateness while remaining connected and together.

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The animation below illustrates how you are presently reacting to your partner.  Initially, you come together.  Soon, one of you reacts to the other and you close down, pull away and distance yourself from your partner.  Eventually one of you cues the other that everything is O.K. and you both gravitate back toward each other.

This process doesn’t allow for anything to be resolved between you and your partner.  You simply continue the same emotional reaction over and over again.  Nothing ever changes! 

Eventually one or both of you decide this relationship is not working and you leave angry and bitter that your partner refuses to change.  You determine to do things differently in your next relationship.  So you try harder.  Unfortunately, trying harder only makes this process occur more quickly.
 

Come Together…React…Close Down…Pull Away…Cues…Come Together…Bitterness…More Rigid

So is there an answer to this process?  Yes!!!

How do you get there?

First, you begin by being aware of the process. 

Second, you must be still and not react to your partner: “Its (your partner’s emotional reactions) not about you.”

Third, you breathe, stepping back from the intensity of your emotional reactions and defensiveness. 

Fourth, you consider how to respond in a thinking rather than emotional way. 

Fifth, you begin trusting your self to remain connected, yet be separate.

Come Together…Responds…Regulates Reactions…Stays Connected…Becomes One…More Humble